Buck's Phototales

His cell-phone chirped and Danny sat up and picked it off the nightstand to see a text message coming in ...

Hey Danny Boy! What's the latest on my car?
Have you located it yet?

"Uh-oh!" He thought.
"She ain't gonna like this!
Not a'tall!"
He continued to read as the message finished ...

Drag your tail over here and gimme an update, will ya?
BTW, I'm texting this real slow, cause I know you can't read too fast!

"Wise-Ass!
But ... Hoo-Boy!
Now I'm gonna hafta face the music!
That's for damn sure!
Wait'll the Boss sees what's left of her car!"



As it happened, Danny was no mere hop, skip, and a jump away ...
And so he had a good day's drive to look forward to before he could meet up with his Boss.
And that was okay with him, because it gave him plenty of time to come up with a reasonable explanation.

The Boss had an Eye Candy site on the internet.
She was kind of a kinky babe, in her way ...
But what a great pair of headlights!


Francesca's Fantasies

Man Alive!
What he wouldn't give to get his hands on them!
As he settled in for the long drive ahead, he found himself daydreaming
about what she might be up to as he pounded the pavement ...

Only recently, the Boss had invested in a toy knife to use when poing for her website.


Francesca's Fantasies

That was cool with Danny ...
Because now she wouldn't run the risk of slicing herself when she ran the blade over that scrumptious body of hers!

Danny knew that there were a fair number of producers who wouldn't stoop to using one of those creaky, squeaky, toy knives!


Francesca's Fantasies

A fact of life was that unless you were willing to pay a small fortune, that the cheaper prop knives didn't look any too real ...

No, they had to use an actual weapon and then rely on camera cut-away shots and a lot of tight editing
in order to give the proper impression!

What you missed out on, of course, was witnessing the blade slide in and out of any part the babe's body ...


Francesca's Fantasies

And Hell!
What did anyone think was the point of the exercise anyway?

And what with that fine allotment of chest meat the Boss Lady carried around with her every day ...


Francesca's Fantasies

it might be interesting to see just how many times she could be stabbed - before it did damage enough to do her in!

Damn! She must be good for eight or ten good pokes at the very least!


Francesca's Fantasies

Yeah! Danny could see it all in his mind's eye right now!


Francesca's Fantasies

And he had to ease back on the throttle as he happened to glance down at the speedometer
to see that needle teetering around 110 MPH!

He was gonna hafta look into getting her a bucket of stage blood so that she could mess herself up properly!


Francesca's Fantasies

Yeah! For sure!

She didn't hafta go too far ...
Not like the make-up and FX gang does in the horrible horror movies they make these days!
Zombies!
Nuts!
Wutta loada ...!
An' they call that entertainment?!
Danny shook his head cuz he felt that his eyes musta been stuck for he had damn-near missed his exit!

Hey! But the time sure flies when you're havin' fun!
Ain't that the Truth!

The Boss Lady didn't live in the best part of town; nor was it the worst.
The building wasn't all that new, but it did feature off-the-street parking,
and that was a rather large plus as far as he was concerned.

He'd sent her a text message at some time before during the midst of his day-dreams,
so she was expecting him when he pressed the door bell that was located above her mail-box in the foyer.

Hey! The Best Surprize Was No Surprize! Right?

Who's gonna open her door if she sees a kisser like his showing up unannounced?


Danny Trejo @ Myspace

Tell me that! Huh?

"Danny-Boy! Is that you?" Came at him from the raspy intercom.

"The One and Only!
Why?
Were you expecting somebody else?"

"No!
But you're gonna hafta take the stairs!
The elevators on the blink!"

"Oh, Cripes! Not again!

"Sorree! But that's the way it is!"

And then her heard the buzz that the magnetic lock made as she pressed the release button upstairs,
and he had to hustle to grab the door before it locked again.

Seven flights of stairs later, he stood outside her door,
trying to catch his breath before he knocked at her door.

Danny leaned against the door jamb for support, and he must have slipped a bit and brushed against the door, for it swung open ...

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Francesca! What you the Hell are you doing?!"


Francesca's Fantasies

"Doing? What's it look like I'm doing? I'm doin' a video for my website!"

"Good Grief, Francesca!
You took my breath away!
And here I am thinking it was all just my imagination!"

"Had you going for a moment, didn't I?
Did seeing me take your breath away, Danny-Boy?
Or could it have been those seven flights of stairs?
Phew!
I just gave myself quite a workin' over!
I'm gonna grab me a smoke!


Francesca's Fantasies

Care for one, Danny?"

"Okay!"

"So am I gonna get my car back, or aren't I?
If so, when?"

"Uh - I'm afraid not, Francesca!"

"Shit!
I just knew it!
And it was years before I could afford that car!
So?
What happened?
Tell me!
Wait a minute!
Before you start ...
I think I'm gonna need a bracer!


Francesca's Fantasies

"Woof!
Hoo-Boy!
Man!
That stuff's awful!
But delicious!"


Francesca's Fantasies

"Awright!
C'mon!
Get on with it!
Wha' happened?"

"Well, Boss ...
Like I reported back earlier ...
The kid that boosted your Mercedes was workin' for a gang that was operatin' a chop shop!
But he didn't get too far, cuz when the cops spotted the car ...
He led them on a high-speed chase and that ended when he totalled the car."

"The wreck was towed to a police impound lot ...
Your insurance company was right on the ball - because an insurance adjuster had arrived almost before I got there ...
An' she was a Major Babe ... Let me tell you!"


Paty Munoz

"Okay, Danny! Enough with the major babes awready!"


Francesca's Fantasies

"Don't let yerseff get off the subjeck!
Let's get on with it, shall we?
Wha' 'bout my dam' car?"

"Well, the insurance adjuster assured me that the check was already in the mail!"

"Hoo-Boy! How many times have I heard that line!
But in this case, it happened to be true!"

"It was?"

"Yeah! Cuz it just came yesterday!
Which is why ..."

"You haven't cut my balls off so's you can wear them as earrings!

"Don't go givin' me any ideas!"

"Yeah! Well ...
I thought I'd best keep tabs on the insurance adjuster ...
Just t'see whether she was on the up-an-up!"

"Oh, yeah! Sure!
And it didn't matter in the least that she was this major babe you've been tawkin' about!"

"None whatever!
"I assure you!
At any rate, the cops were in an all-fired hurry to dispose of the car!
They said they needed the space in their lot!
But I had the feelin' that somethin' was kinda fishy!
Know what I mean?
So I made it my business to follow your car to the scrap yard ...



"So I'm wandering off toward the office so as t'get permission to poke around in that heap ...
When there comes a rip an' a roar, an' what do I see but a reg'lar convention of ATF vehicles
pulled up in the yard in a cloud of dust!
Uh ... Y'now what ATF stands for, don't ya Francesca?"

"The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives is a federal law enforcement organization
within the United States Department of Justice with which I am well aware, Danny-Boy!
Be so good as to continue?"

"Yeah ... Well I guess the insurance adjuster wasn't eggszackly who she claimed t'be ...
Cuz the nex' thing I know, she appears hauling this big-ol' bad-ass gun!"



"Somebody makes the usual announcement about comin' out with their han's in the air!
Y'know? That sorta lingo!"

"I'm familiar with the rap!
Yes!
Please go on!"

'Parently I got myself caught up in some kinda ATF take-down operation!
To tell ya the truth ..."

"Oh! How I wish you would! Just this once!"

"I was all for gettin' the Hell outta there!
But bullets were flyin' every which way!
It weren't safe!
I'm tellin' ya!"



"These pictures are a little grainy, aren't they Danny?"

"Hey! I wuz doin' the bes' I could!
I wuz usin' my cell-phone, and the batteries were gettin' weak!
'Sides ... I guess the windshield musta been kinda dirty!"

"Windshield? Dirty?
Say! What the Hell is this?
Where were you, anyway?"

"Hey What can I tell ya?

"The Truth for once!
It would be kind of nice!
And novel too!
You know?"

"Yeah ... Well I'll get aroun' tuit sooner or later!
But this's a helluva lot more fun than what actually happened!"

Anyways ... To get back to the story ...
The bullets were flyin' thick an' fast!
But there wuz a lull in the action ...
I guess everybody had ta take time out ta reload!
Anyhow ... The babe sticks her head up ta see what wuz goin' on ...



"One of the ATF Guys pops up suddenly ...
An' gets off what musta been a lucky shot!"



"Cuz the bullet takes my insurance adjuster Lady dead center ...
Right in the middle of her chest!"



"She claps a hand to her bosom ...
She arches back ...
She grimaces in agony ...
An' I'm tellin' ya, Francesca!
I don't believe I've ever seen anythin' so dam' hot in my life!"



"Huh!
What?
Not even little ol' me, Danny-Boy?"



"Huh?
Oh!
Well ...
Present company, excluded - of course!"



"S'all right, Danny!
I unnerstand!
Completely!
Or for the most part, anyway!"


El Fin de los Arellano

"What I can't unnerstand is ...
Where the Hell do ya get off flashin' your photos of that babe on my site!
Huh?
Just answer me that!
If you can!
Or dare!"


Francesca's Fantasies

"Well, Boss-Lady!
Y'know how it is these days ...
If an' when the motion picture industry sees fit t'gun a woman down ...
The director has it all done an' over with so fast ...
And the camera is cut-away so fast ...
That the killin' may just as well have been done off-camera!
An' if y'get t'see anythin' a'tall ...
It's apt t'look like somebody threw a crash dummy down on the floor!
This here gal wuz given the chance to emote a bit!
Do ya see what I mean?"

Yeah, Danny!
I guess I do!
But not every producer can afford the likes of Zoe Bell t'do the stunts for 'em. y'know?
So don't go lookin' for anythin' too fancy!"

"I see yer point, Francesca!


Francesca's Fantasies

"Now then ...
What's the story on my car?
The real story this time!"

"Well ... Like I said ...
There really wasn't much to it ...
A kid did steal your car, and he did smash it up when the cops chased him ...
Now whether there was any chop-shop involved, I don't know ...
I tend t'think it was nothing more than a joyride ...
So ...
Your car was towed to a lot out behind the police station ...
I hung around waiting for the insurance adjuster to arrive ...
Who was a woman, by the way ...
An' Wonder of Wonders ... You got your check already ...
They will finish making the repairs to your car some time next week ...
At which time, they will let you know ...
And I suppose I'll hafta arrange to pick it up!
Are ya happy now?
There! Are you satisfied?
Contentment reigns an' all that?"

"Yes! Certainly! Completely!

"Good! Anyways ...
I gotta be movin' on!
I'm dam' glad y'got a check fer yer car!
Betta call the bank t'see that it's good!"

"I been there an' done that, Danny!
An' Danny?
Thanks!"

Francesca listened as Danny went stomping on down the stairs ...
The she seated herself comfortably on the edge of her bed ...

"I'm willin' t'bet that ol' Danny-Boy would really enjoy seein' me take a slug through this here breast, now wouldn't he?


Francesca's Fantasies

"Let's just hope that there are enough harmless perverts out there who are willing and able to pay for the privilege!"


Francesca's Fantasies