The following episode took place late one night somewhere out behind Aunt Chilada's Amazon Roadhouse ...
It was well past closing time when, under cover of darkness,
a pair of bronze blades came together as two young women assumed the classic stance of the Amazon Confrontation!
"C'mon, Myra!" One of the young combatants exhorted the other.
"Let's feel some power!
Put your legs and back into it!"
"Golly, Del!
Do you really think that we should be out here at all?
I mean ...
It's awfully late!
And you know what they're always saying about being alone out here after dark!"
"I've heard all the Talk as many times as you have, Myra!
And that's all it is too!
A lot of Talk!"
"But you an' I have gotta get our routine down pat if we're gonna do the Opening Number tomorrow night!
Just think!
This could be the Break we've been looking for!"
"Yes, Del! I know!
An' after all ...
There are Two of us!
So I guess we'll be all right!"
"Right!
So let's just concentrate on our choreography!
Shall we?"
"Okay!
Let's run through the routine one more time and then call it a night!
Can't we, Del?"
"Oh! All right! If you insist!
Honestly, Myra!
What's got you so spooked tonight, anyway?"
"The Bow Hunters!"
"Bow Hunters, did you say?"
Del responded with more than her usual trace of skepticism.
"It's Deer Hunting Season, Del!"
"Aunt Chilada says that these woods are full of them!"
"And all men too, I suppose?
Did I ever tell you that my Mama always warned me never to trust anything
that totes its genitals around outside its body!"
"So you agree with me then?"
"In theory - yes!"
"Then just as soon as you and I break this clinch, we head back inside! Okay?"
"Yeah!
Ungh!
Sure!
I'm getting tired now any ..."
"Omigod!
Del!
Look!"
"What's that?
Who?
Holy Shee-it!"
"Hasn't anyone ever told you Children that it isn't safe to play out here alone at this time of night?"
"Who?
Who're you?"
"There are those who call me the Dear Slayer!"
"Say, what?"
"Allow me to demonstrate!"
Shsssh - Wunk!
"Hungh!"
And before either of the girls could gather presence of mind enough to either mount an offense or to try to run away -
the Dear Slayer had launched a shaft that left poor Myra
clutching frantically at the arrow that was now protruding from her breast!
Del recoiled in horror as the Dear Slayer gloated,
"Did'st thou see that shot?
To the left breast!
And only slightly below the nipple at that!
Best that shot! Anyone!"
"I can only suppose that there will be those who will feel obliged to complain because my shaft has failed to pierce the teat ..."
"But to my own way of thinking, destruction of the nipple detracts from the beauty of the female breast!"
"But ..! But ..! But ..! Why?!" Del demanded.
"Why?
Well may you ask, Little One!
It is because for one thing, I have had quite enough of you youngsters pretending to be Amazon Warriors!
And for another - it's because I'm the Bad Guy!
That's why!"
"Oh, yeah? Well!
We'll see just have to see about that!" Del interupted the soliloquy.
"One good swipe of my sword will split you in two, Wise Guy!"
Tha-wuck!
Del's assault came to an abrupt halt as a shaft launched from the archer's bow took her amidships!
The girl stood stock still as those she were an image in a motion picture and someone had paused on a single frame!
Del's jaw dropped in shock and surprize as she suddenly came to the realization
that an arrow was now protruding from somewhere in the near vicinity her navel!
Though she still kept to her feet, it was evident to the Dear Slayer that his victim had come to the realization that she was undone!
Del's knees began to buckle even as her partner, Myra completed her own decent to the ground ...
And as Del continued to sink slowly to the ground, Myra's body heaved in the convulsions of her own death agony ...
As Del managed to halt her descent on one knee, the archer's attention remained undivided.
"Hmmm!" He mused.
"Could it be that my first shaft has somehow failed to reach the heart of the girl now down on the ground?"
But Del seemed determined to upstage her dying friend
as she attempted to pull the intruding shaft from where it was buried deep in her gut!
"You see how Death has come relavtively painlessly to your partner, do you not?" The archer addressed his latest victim.
"That is only because she made no undue attempt to thwart my assault upon her person!"
"And so in her case, I chose to be most merciful!"
"Thus, as you have witnessed, I put my shaft into her chest!"
"But you, on the other hand, did offer to do me grievious bodily injury ...
Hence the shaft that now protrudes from your belly!"
Del's slender body arched in agony as though she were somehow in sympathy with the archer's remarks ...
"The figure of the Arching Female is much to be admired in nearly any circumstances!' The Dear Slayer observed.
"And all the more so when she has been persuaded to do so in reaction to some sharp,
pointed implement having been punched into some portion her body!"
"Does it hurt you so very much, young lady?"
"Ah, well! I suppose that that was a foolish question; offered rhetorically I should say!"
"But you see, our meeting here tonight was not as much a matter of mere chance as perhaps you may think!"
"I can see that I have your undivided attention!"
"I must say that I'm quite flattered!"
"Oh, yes! Really! I am!"
"My arrows, you see, are hardly typical of the bolts that are commonly used in a compound bow!"
"No! The shaft that has killed your friend, as well as the one that will eventually bring Death to you ..."
"Are styled after those thought to have been launched from the bow of an Amazon Warrior many untold thousands of years ago!"
"Clever of me? Is it not?"
"For in the morning when your bodies are discovered ..."
"All those in any way concerned will be certain that here lie two more unfortunate young women
who have fallen victim to the ruthless Amazon ...
Known by all throughout the realm as the Dear Slayer!"
"More is the pity that I am forced to leave my arrows protruding from your bodies!"
"In this day and age, a good hand-made arrow is so devilishly difficult to obtain!"
"But you see - there is really no help for it ..."
"If I hope to maintain the fiction that you two have been slaughtered by some renegade Amazon!"
"I would most gladly put a second shaft into you, M'Lady!"
"For, though you may find this somewhat difficult to believe,
I truly take no great satisfaction in bearing witness to your sufferings!"
"But alas! My quiver is empty!"
"I did mention the fact that these arrows are decidedly hard to come by, did I not?"
"Which, of course, only serves to add to the expense of procuring them!"
"So, you see?
One must be at all times practice conservation!"
"I must always bear in mind that there is little if anything to be gained in expending a second shaft ..."
"When One will suffice!"
"So if you are imploring me to make an end of you, the answer is, No! For I will not!"
"Neither will I sheathe a knife in your heaving bosom no matter how you may implore me to do so!"
"Although, I will be the first to admit ..."
"That there are those among us who might be sorely tempted!"
"But then, you see? Death overtakes you soon enough ..."
"All that is required ..."
"Is a certain amount of Patience ..."
"Ah! But it is a beautiful belief
That ever 'round our head ...'
"Are hovering on angel wings
The spirits of the dead!"
Footnote:
Harriet Beecher Stowe
"Uncle Tom's Cabin"
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