~ Background ~
I do not fantasize myself in the role of a killer and so you see that
Buck appears more often an observer than than an active participant.
Too, I am as much intrigued with the idea of "ressurection" or "reannimation" as I am with a woman's demise in the first place.
This makes for a very difficult fantasy to portray in any medium but it interests me to try.
I'm amazed at the number of mummy tales that have appeared on the video market lately, and, since there seems to be some interest in this rather macabre subject, I thought I'd give this a go.
I wrote the text long before I found any pictures that came even close to the idea I was trying to put across.
Then I got to poking through the Archive at Club Dead and was drawn to the "Cool Body" set that the producers did with Linly.
That, with a sprinkling of various shots of Linly in other photosets are what decided me
to put this phototale together and "on the air".
When I was visiting friends in Florida some years ago, I encountered, as luck would have it, a string of unpleasant weather.
I made my way down to the St Petersburg Pier one rainy morning to feed the pelicans
and it was there that I "discovered" the museum.
It was a fascinating place filled with a collection of every item that had been donated to the local historical society
that no one had any idea what to do with.
There lying in state was a Civil War soldier.
He was very lifelike in a sallow sort of way and I assumed him to be a wax figure of some sort.
The card attached to his coffin assured me that he was at one time a living man; a soldier, killed in battle, whose corpse had fallen into a place where the climatic conditions and chemical
actions had turned his body into a natural mummy
so that he was now in essence composed of soap!
I'm not certain to this day that I believe it entirely, but there he was.
In any event I've found the idea intriguing.
At various sites on the internet we've had Amazon warriors fighting in their traditional setting somewhere in antiquity, we've had gunfighting Amazons of the Old West,
we've had Sci-Fi Amazons in a Space Audacity, (Can "Lust in Space" be far behind?) and we've had Cloned Amazons fighting their mirrored images to attack or defend the realm.
So I thought it might be a fun thing to bring one of those warriors of Greek Mythology back to our own day and time.
Now let's sit back and see what develops, shall we?
I have this friend, Leon.
Leon doesn't give the appearance of being anyone's idea of a wild and crazy guy.
Quite the contrary, but his interests were enough to make me wonder sometimes.
While most guys dreamed of football scholarships or auto racing, Leon's pasions were archeology and anthropology.
He would have been a real life Indiana Jones but for two obvious reasons.
He was not independently wealthy and in no way did he resemble Harrison Ford.
And so Leon settled for being a premed student in college and then for a career as a medical examiner contracting mostly for the local DA through the coroner's office.
Instead of prowling among the pyramids of Egypt or South America, Leon spent most of his Sunday afternoons and a good portion of his paycheck at museum auctions or poking about
storage warehouses.
Such subjects interested me in a strange sort of way, and Leon saved me a great deal of time and effort for his forays quite often came up empty while I inevitably benefited from his successes.
We got together at our favorite haven for intemperance every week and downed a pitcher of whatever bargain brand of suds the establishment had to offer.
Leon perhaps didn't bear much resemblance to Harrison Ford, but Kaspar Milquetoast, he was not.
"Ya gotta come see what I found packed away in Smedley's Storage!"
"Did old man Smedley finally break down and let you poke amongst his treasure trove, Leon?"
"Did better'n that. He croaked."
"You mean the man died?
How did that improve things?"
"It didn't at first.
Everything was tied up in probate, but now his heirs are anxious to settle the estate."
"And you got in there before a horde of antique dealers?"
"I had one foot in the door!
Ya gotta move fast in this business!
Wait'll you see!
You're gonna drool!"
We drained our pitcher and I promised to visit Leon at his digs next Sunday afternoon.
You have to sort of mentally prepare yourself for a visit to Leon's abode because he lives in rooms over the coroner's laboratory.
The lab has been in existence almost since the city was established and from the look of the place,
it has been there since colonial times.
A walk through the lab evokes images of scenes from a Frankenstein movie and not one of any too recent vintage.
Add to that the fact that the lab was in use in every sense of the word
so that I was never entirely certain of who or what I may find laying about on a stretcher somewhere.
"A cadaver is the last thing that's gonna harm you," Leon proclaimed.
I failed to find him entirely reassuring.
Trophies, relics of Leon's forays abounded in his quarters which were claustrophobic to begin with.
Boxes and crates were everywhere but it was neither a mess nor a jumble and there was no litter strewn about,
it was simply filled to capacity.
"Just see what I have here! You're gonna about cream your jeans!"
Earlier, Leon had removed the top of a mummy case that evidently housed his latest treasure
and so now the case was essentially empty ...
Except for a fabric or hide cover of some sort that looked as though it had served through the ravages of time.
I was nervous in spite of the fact that what I saw was really just a decorated coffin.
"My Goodness!"
"Isn't it a beauty?"
"Oh, my!"
"What'sa matter?"
"That's a mummy case, isn't it, Leon?"
"A sarcaphagus, Buck!
Yep! It sure is!
I use it to transport my prizes!
Makes it easier to move 'em around, you understand?"
"Er - Yes, Leon! I can see where it might be!"
"Should we have at 'er then?"
"Um - Yeah, sure, I guess so!"
Leon went to work on the wrapings, working carefully so as to do as little or no damage to that which was inside ...
"Don't you think it was just a bit tacky to mark her that way, Leon?"
"What? The SOLD sign?
I'll have you know that I did that, Buck!
I wanted the other ghouls present to know that she was no longer available!"
"Well, I know! But with a magic marker?"
"Had t'be pretty much indelible, Buck!
Otherwise, if I'd used a business card or something, somebody was apt to come along and remove it!"
"Good Lord, Leon! What happened to her? Is she ...?"
"Dead? Yes, my friend, and has been for at least five thousand years according to the Perfesser!"
"But these marks on her throat?"
I haven't had the chance to investigate ...
But it would seem that our little lady here was either strangled by someone with enormous opposing thumbs ...
Or she was hanged on a sailing vessel by something like the anchor rope!"
"But did you say five thousand years ago, Leon?"
She was in remarkably good condition when I stopped to consider how long she had been at rest
and I couldn't resist touching her gently in spite of my squeamishness.
"Oh for Pete's sake!"
"What'sa matter?"
"Leon you pulled my chain and like a fathead, I fell for it!
She's wax!"
"No, soap."
"No soap as in no dice?"
"Ever hear of a soap mummy?"
"I can't say that I ... by golly I did!
In Florida that time ... A Civil War soldier!
Do you mean to tell me ...?"
"That's her," Leon assured me, giving the lady an affectionate pat.
"Old Peter Potter did his Carbon-14 Dating Game with her and proclaims her to be at least three thousand years BC."
"That makes her prehistoric."
"To us, yes.
But to the world of science,
she's been out of the cave far too long to be of any significant anthropological interest."
"She looks to be only in her twenties?
Soap, you said?"
"Can't tell her age at time of death because she's turned into a solid block.
The climate had to be just right for the chemical changes to take place."
"Otherwise she would have decomposed pretty much like the rest of my collection."
"Nothing but dust and rags as with all the others you have stashed around here ..."
I looked about me and suppressed an involuntary chill.
"Well, if Professor Potter is convinced then I guess there's no reason to have any doubt..."
"None whatever. He says that I have an Amazon Warrior to look after."
"Amazon? You mean the tribes of ferocious females? Hasn't that aroused any anthropological curiosity?"
"No one believes that Amazon Warrior Women actually existed."
"But you have proof of that right here!"
"And you thought she was wax! What do you suppose the scientific community will think?"
"Bunko. Fraud."
"Exactly."
"Still, I'd watch my step if I were you!"
"How so?"
"I understand that the Amazons had no great use for men. If she wakes up you may have your hands full!"
"Ha! In more ways than one! But there's little enough chance of that isn't there?"
"Take good care of the lady, Leon."
"I intend to. See you next week?"
"Same time, same place."
"Right on!"
"How's your mummy, Leon?" I greeted him when he took his place at our table the next week.
"Mailed her a card just yesterday. Haven't heard from her yet. Why?"
"Your Amazon Goddess, wise guy!"
"Funny you should ask. She doing great actually."
"Glad to hear it! And?"
"And what? You sound as though you expect me to be doing something to her."
"And of course you are, aren't you?"
"Well," he admitted, "Old Potter and I have been curious to know the cause of death, her age, that sort of thing..."
"You're not going to autopsy her are you?!"
"We can't very well with her a bar of soap and all..." He grinned as I relaxed visibly.
"I'm only trying to loosen her up a bit..."
"We've both been trying that with the ladies for years!"
"Ain't that the truth?!"
"Well take my advice, Leon, and just give her some of your Soft Soap!"
"Haw! You're the limit!"
"Yeah. Guess that second pitcher was one too many wasn't it?"
"You're hilarious!"
"You gotta pretty fair skin full yerself!"
"Buck, you purely won't believe this," Leon exclaimed when next we met. "You've gotta come see!"
"Right now?"
"Just as soon as we down this beer!"
Leon was perfectly correct. I didn't believe it, or at least I wouldn't if I hadn't witnessed it with my own eyes.
I said eyes. Actually hands would have been more accurate.
"Does that blow your mind or what?!"
"It's astonishing! And there's no trace of decomposition?"
"Nary a bit."
The young woman had lost much of her decidedly corpse-like look and somehow looked far more lifelike than before!
Although her complexion still retained its sallow, waxen pallor, her skin had actually softened to the touch.
"What have you been massaging her with? Something you purchased from a witch doctor, no doubt!"
"Nothing more exotic than witch hazel and mineral oil, I swear!
All I wanted to do was polish her a bit to see how she'd look cleaned up and ...
Oh my gosh, look!"
I'd been touching her face lightly, marveling at the texture of her skin as I listened to Leon.
I looked down at my hand and was startled to see that her lips had parted slightly.
"I swear that he jaw moved! Is she trying to speak?"
Leon looked at me with a sympathetic expression to mask the smirk he was doing his best to suppress.
"Not likely. But it does indicate something no less significant."
"You sound like Professor Potter when you're not brim full of beer, don't you Leon?"
He looked considerably less sympathetic but continued.
"Not only is she becoming ever more pleasing to touch, but her joints are becoming flexible in the bargain!"
"What on earth is going on here, Leon?"
"I'm not sure...I don't know...I wish I knew!"
"Once thing's certain, she isn't wax and she won't be soap much longer."
Leon sat down quietly when we met at the Aunt Chilada's place the following week.
From the expression of concern on his face, I thought at first that his mummy had melted into a slimy mass.
"Don't order a pitcher tonight, Buck. We haven't the time for it."
"We?"
"I want you to come back with me tonight, now."
"Leon, I've never seen you act like this.
What's wrong?
What's happened?"
"Just drink up and come with me."
I was aprehensive as we made our way upstairs to his living quarters.
But then I recalled a few of the better pranks Leon had pulled on me back in our college days and I relaxed.
I was being set up for a joke and I knew it.
The Amazon woman lay in her place on the stretcher.
"She looks so lifelike now that I expect her to breathe at any moment."
Leon looked at me strangely.
If this was a joke, he certainly was running it to the limit.
I decided to humor him a bit further.
"I always had the notion that Amazons were big women, giants almost."
"We don't know how tall men were in her time so it's hard to know what standard to use.
Why don't you put a tape measure to her and find out?" He looked at me shrewdly.
"All this is totally uncharacteristic of Leon," I thought as I lay a ruler out alongside of the body on the stretcher.
As I lined the ruler at her foot, I heard a short gasp from Leon, which he covered quickly by saying,
"Well Buck, how tall do you make her out to be?"
"A good sized girl all around, Leon! About 5'7" I'd ... Oh my God!"
"You saw them, didn't you?" Leon couldn't contain his relief.
"I thought it was only me!"
"Have you told the Professor?"
"He'd think I'd gone nuts!"
"Which is why you didn't tell me?"
"Precisely."
Though she lay deathly still, the woman's eyes had opened slowly, blinked once or twice and slowly closed again.
"I jump every time she does that!"
"I can see why! Is there some kind of muscular contraction or reflex you can attribute that to?"
"Listen to yourself, Buck! Muscle contraction!
My God, she's been dead five thousand years!
She's a block of soap!
This can't be happening!"
"But it is from all appearances."
"How can you make it sound so rational! It's impossible!"
"We don't know yet what she died of?"
"What difference does that make? Dead is dead!"
"A trance? An incantation? A curse?"
"Stop it, Buck! You sound as nutty as a fruitcake!
I dragged you here tonight to prove that I wasn't losing my marbles and you're making it worse!"
"What is this elixir of life we have been rubbing her with?"
"I told you. Witch Hazel and mineral oil."
"The Witch Hazel is okay, but the other isn't even Extra Virgin Olive Oil?"
"Oh, knock it off, will ya!"
"Leon."
"What?!"
"Your turn to look."
As we spoke I was caressing her breasts with hands anointed in Leon's concoction of oil.
"At a guess I'd say that you'd best lay in some groceries,
because this sleeping beauty is apt to be hungry when she awakens!"
"Jay-sus!"
I removed my hands to reveal her breasts and the nipples that now rose provocatively from her now pliant flesh.
Leon failed to appear at Aunt Chilada's the following week, so I sipped a brew or two, paid my tab and made my way home.
When I arrived the answering machine was in the midst of announcing a caller.
I recognized Leon's voice immediately and I grabbed at the receiver.
"Buck!
Thank God I finally got you!
Get down here as quick as you can!
And on the way, will you stop at the Mart and get me a half gallon of milk, cheese, carrots, potatoes,
and as much ground beef as you can carry?
I can't leave her!"
I hustled about the food mart as quickly as I could.
I was perspiring when I made my way up the stairs with my bags of purchases to Leon's loft.
I was laboring in the entirely unrealistic anticipation that our lady had awakened from her nap and was hungry.
In this I was disappointed and it must have showed.
"Then who are these groceries for?" I asked mildly irritated.
"For me, of course!
Who else did you expect?"
"Hamburg!
I might have know!
And for this I came here all hot and bothered!"
"You may well be yet.
Come here."
I followed him into the next room to pay my respects to his Lady.
"Touch her."
"Where?"
"Anywhere.
Pick a favorite place."
I lay my palm on her ribcage.
"You're a polite gent, aren't you?"
"My God, Leon!
She's warm!"
"Uh huh.
Something else too.
Did you notice the IV in her wrist?"
"Gosh, no, I was too ..."
"Enraptured? Now feel here carefully ..."
He took my hand and placed it under her left breast.
"Can you feel it?"
I did but I couldn't bring myself to say it for a moment.
"There's a faint pulse?
Or is it mine?
No.
My Lord, her heart is beating!"
"Faint but steadily and growing stronger by the hour!"
"And you've done nothing out of the ordinary?"
"You mean electric shocks and the Frankenstein stuff? None."
"What's in the IV?"
"A mild saline solution to thin her blood a wee bit."
"To make it easier on her heart!
But no other extraordinary measures?"
"Why would I trouble her?
She's doing fine on her own."
"Witch Hazel and mineral oil," I murmured, "It's amazing!"
"It's impossible is what it is!
But now you understand why I can't leave her alone?"
"I wouldn't dare let her out of my sight!"
"And you're not sore about the groceries?"
I laughed.
"Next week you'Il need a double order!"
"I shouldn't wonder."
I was only slightly askew in my estimate of how long it would be before I heard from my friend again.
I arrived home from work on Wednesday to find my answering machine blinking.
The call was from Leon.
I pressed the play button on the machine almost dreading what I would hear.
Did I expect savage cries and horrible screams?
"Buck? Come. She's awake."
It seemed to take almost forever to get through the traffic to Leon's loft.
I took the stairs two at a time and entered with only a cursory knock at the door.
"Careful there guy," Leon admonished, "You'll split your britches!"
"She's awake?!"
"Well, she's not up and tearing around if that's what you mean, but she's breathing."
"It still just doesn't seem possible..."
Then came a heart-rending cry from the what was now his patient and I must have stared at Leon wide-eyed.
"She makes a noise that could wake the dead," Leon declared.
"I think it's more like a cry of the dead awakening, isn't it?
She sounds like a soul in torment!"
"Perhaps she is. I think she's dreaming."
"Or remembering? Should we try to reassure her somehow?"
"I don't know how we can, she isn't fully conscious."
"But we can try?"
"You always were a softie, weren't you?
That's why I wanted you here!
Let's pay her our respects."
"You've put restraints on her, Leon!"
"Had to unfortunately.
For her own protection.
The way she thrashes around sometimes is enough to do her damage."
Her hands were clenched in fists, her teeth gritted, and her eyes pressed shut.
She was lying still and breathing rapidly.
"How's her pulse?"
"It's high but strong."
"Is she dreaming?
A nightmare perhaps?"
"I think her brain may be struggling for life and she may be reliving her death throes."
"Poor woman! That she should awaken to that!"
"It's likely the last thing she remembered."
"Do you think her brain will recover?"
"Who knows? And who knows how her wits were to begin with?"
"She's come so far! May I touch her?"
"Don't see what harm it can do."
I placed my hand on her shoulder in as reassuring a gesture as I could manage.
There was no immediate reaction, but a moment later her eyes opened and I was confronted with a wide-eyed,
determined look of defiance mixed with sheer terror.
She craned her neck about to look at my hand which remained on her shoulder,
then turned back to look up at me and her lips parted.
"Brace yourself for a screech that'll pierce your eardrums," Leon advised.
But she didn't scream.
Instead she made a cooing sigh and appeared to relax visibily.
"Well, I'll be damned," Leon declared, "She's made it back down to earth safely and initial contact has been established!"
"I wonder if she's hungry?"
"Awake for the first time in five thousand years and your first thought is for your stomach?"
"If I get the chance, I'm willing to bet it will be!"
"Let's let her gather her thoughts a bit more, shall we?
Besides, she has a sugar solution in her IV now so she won't starve."
"I wonder if she'd care for another massage with your mineral oil?"
"So you can test her reflexes, eh?"
"It'll be a lot more fun now that she's awake!"
"For you or her?"
"Both maybe?"
He tossed me the bottle from the double boiler.
I poured some oil into my palms and rubbed my hands together as a sort of demonstration I hoped.
The Lady took to the idea quickly and soon was stretching herself like a big comfortable cat.
"Every inch a woman even after five thousand years!"
"They've been built the same ever since Eve, bless em!"
"The Lady is from what we know know as Armenia.
She was discovered in a dig somewhere in or around Mount Aragats which is an extinct volcano in the so called Lesser Caucasus."
"And from where did you derive this well-spring of knowledge?" I asked as I continued her massage.
"I found some notes that were tucked away inside her wrappings to be honest.
Hey! But you're having a good old time over there aren't you?"
"Sure am! But Leon," I was suddenly serious although I didn't stop her massage, "What are we going to do with her?"
"That Buck, is an excellent question!"
"Y'know Buck, much as I hate to put it to you this way, I think we're gonna hafta forego the brew for a while."
Leon was genuinely contrite.
"I need your help with our lady friend and I'd appreciate it no end if you could stop up at my place on a daily basis."
"No trouble at all, Leon," I assured him.
"The doctor has been after me to take off a few pounds and who knows?
A cutback on the liquid refreshment might help."
"Great! Let's head back right now if you don't mind!
I left her in the care of the Perfesser who looks after her whenever I step out.
I leave him in her care to put it more precisely!"
"She's up and about then?"
"And how! Wait till you see!"
"How did you manage to convince Professor Potter that she's the genuine article?"
"Didn't even make the attempt.
He'd insist that it was all a hoax and it would rile him unnecessarily if I insisted."
"So? What did you tell him?"
"That she's a cousin of mine from the old country.
Speaks no English ya know!"
"And that satisfied him?
I'd sooner believe she was a five thousand year old mummy myself!"
"He seemed to swallow it happily enough.
I only hope she kept her clothes on that's all!"
"Clothing?"
"Well if she's my cousin, she's going to have to be properly attired isn't she?
Trouble is, she doesn't seem to appreciate what I found for her and keeps stripping them off!"
"I have a niece who does that chronically.
Drives her parents nuts."
"Yes but Buck, your niece is only two years old, remember?"
We climbed the stairs to his loft.
We were near the landing at the door when we heard a solid "thunk" from the interior.
I looked aprehensively at Leon and there was a broad grin on his face.
"My cousin is entertaining the Perfesser with a knife I found for her!
Go easy now Buck!
Let me give her the proper signal!"
He tapped three times on the door rather lightly I thought.
Almost immediately we heard feet scampering toward the door and an alto female voice querying, "Uk? Uk?"
"Our wax lady can't pronounce a 'B' at all, Buck.
She does that whenever someone arrives and I'll bet a dollar to a donut that it's you she's looking for."
"You were the one who rubbed the life back into her, Leon."
"Gave myself a sorry case of gas-pan hands rubbing that Witch Hazel on her,
but you're the one she's taken a shine to unless I miss my guess!
Besides, you were the first one she saw when she woke from her long nap, remember?"
"I think you're imagining things, Leon." Still I found myself strangely hopeful.
"We'll see if my theory holds just as soon as I get this key to work!
Okay! You go first and brace yourself!"
I will be forever grateful to Leon that he warned me.
The door opened and there stood our Witch Hazel in what had to be the most unflattering old house dress imaginable.
"Uk! Uk!" She greeted me, then launched herself into my arms treating me to one of those uninhibited female body hugs that you may get two or three times in your life if you're lucky.
In far less time than it takes me to write this down, she'd yanked off Leon's dress and hauled me over to her cot ...
"Wow! What did I do to deserve all of this?!"
"I think she must be glad to see you, Buck," Leon said.
He seem pleased that his theory was correct so far.
"It's a good thing she chose to keep that dress on tonight..."
"Yes, with the Professor here and all..."
"Ha! In your present condition she might be pregnant already if it weren't for the protective covering!"
"Oh gosh..." I shoved my hands in my pockets in the age old male effort to comouflage an erection as I looked at him sheepishly.
"Let's join the Perfesser in the front room, shall we?"
"Your cousin has a stroke of genius in throwing that knife, doesn't she Leon?"
Professor Potter rose politely from his seat on the sofa as we entered.
"Oh she's an all-around athlete Dr Potter," Leon assured him,
"She was just a babe in arms when I left home as a youngster, so I don't know her very well myself you see?"
"So each day brings its own surprizes then?
What a fascinating person!"
"Oh yes, she is that!" I agreed and headed across the room to retrieve the knife
that protruded from the lid of a packing crate that Leon had set up as a target.
I was still trying to cool off enough to be socially acceptable
and headed across the room to avoid facing anyone as much as anything.
I pulled the knife from the crate, held it gingerly by the blade, walked back across the room and offered it to our resident Amazon.
She took it from be and smiled her thanks.
I stood aside and pointed to indicate that she should demonstrate her skill and dexterity for me.
With no more than a mere flick of her wrist the knife when sailing the length of the room,
struck the crate lid dead center with another solid "thunk"
and stood vibrating for a moment from the force of her throw.
"Man! Did you see how quick and effortless that was!" I marvelled.
"A number of times, Buck! And she doesn't even put her arm into it either!"
"She could pitch for the Mets!"
"Now there's a thought!
Well lads, tomorrow is another day, and now that you're both here to look after Leon's cousin, I'll ask to be excused."
"It was good to see you again, Professor Potter," I offered and I went to retrieve the knife from the target while Leon saw his employer to the door.
As I pulled the blade from the crate lid I heard a soft rustling behind me and when I turned toward her,
my Amazon was standing in the glowing nudity that Leon and I appreciated so much.
"Oh damn, she's gone and done it again!" Leon said teasingly as he reentered the room, "Gone and peeled all her clothes off!"
"Well she kept them on for your boss at any rate so she must have gotten the idea that you wanted her covered for visitors!"
"Buck, that girl is smart as a whip, I'm telling you!
She catches on almost too fast sometimes!"
"Oh?"
I had a hunch what was coming and I was right.
"The other day she was poking around among the cases and crates and I wrote it off to natural curiosity."
"She came to that little crate over there and peeked in
and there was old Marasmus the Mummy lying there staring back up at her."
"She didn't appear to enjoy the sight of him I'm sorry to say, so she retreated quickly and sat quietly.
I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom. On my return trip I no more than cleared the door when she zipped in and has been using the facilities faithfully ever since."
"That's good to know. But Leon?"
"What?"
"I think I know why she won't keep her clothes on."
"Oh? So?"
"That dress."
"What's the matter with it?
I found it in a trunk full of stuff.
It's in fine shape.
Fits her pretty good too."
"But it's something your Aunt Min wouldn't wear."
"I haven't got an Aunt Min and if I did what's that got to do with it anyway?"
"That dress is about the frumpiest looking thing I ever saw."
"Are you gonna sit there and tell me that she knows anything about fashion?!
She's been dead for five thousand years for gosh sake!"
"Only asleep it would seem.
She's a youngster, Leon.
She can't be more than 22 or 26 at the most.
May I try to find something more to her liking?"
"Something she's more familiar with maybe?
Well okay Buck, be my guest!
But leave my racoon coat alone, you hear!
That's strictly off limits!
It took me years to find the thing!"
"I'm sure that will be fine, Leon.
Now do you think she will mind were I to collect her vital statistics?
They appear to have improved some now that she's eating regularly!"
The girls at the store gave one another one of those knowing female looks when I did some shopping,
made my selections and paid at the register.
I found myself looking forward to the day when Leon's house guest could make her own clothing selections.
There was no way on earth that my budget would stand for leather so I hoped she would accept the outfit I had picked out for her.
I could only hope that she knew my intentions were good.
I did a whole lot better than that as it turned out.
Erzla seemed delighted and best of all, with only a little help,
she quickly figured out how to dress herself almost entirely without any outside assistance.
I just said that was best of all but it wasn't.
The truly best part was when she treated me to another view of her sprawled on her back over the bed ...
and what it lead to soon after that!
"Uk, Uk," she purred and rested her chin on my shoulder although she all but had to lean down a bit to do it.
Then she took a step back, took my hand in hers and pressed it to the base of her throat.
"Erzla," she intoned with the same purring inflection.
Not knowing quite what to do I bowed slightly and kissed her hand.
I soon learned, much to my delight that Erzla was not one to spend any undue amount of time on all the usual amenities.
She took my hand with a strength that was not to be easily denied
and pulled me back into Leon's chamber where she fell back upon the bed.
I hadn't had any great amount of previous experience in situations like this,
but I credit myself with catching on fairly quickly under the circumstances.
And so it was that Erzla and I were in the midst of becoming pleasantly and thoroughly aquainted with one another
when we were (rudely) interrupted.
The girl became aware of Leon's entrance before I was and I was (quite understandably) miffed
when I realized that we two were no longer alone.
"Wal, Buck! I'm gratified ta see that you an' the Lady have been formally introduced!"
"Dammit all, Leon! Don't cha ever knock before barging in like that!" I said as I made some hasty adjustments to my trousers.
"Now correct me if I'm wrong, Buck!
But it seems ta me that these are my digs, aren't they?
Or did I stumble into the wrong address?"
"Oh, I know, Leon! But I had to say something, didn't I?"
"All I know is that I recall that you were kind of squeamish about touching her
when I wanted you ta take a turn rubbing her down with my concoction of witch hazel and mineral oil!
I'd never know it ta see ya now, Buck!"
"Um - yes - well she can reciprocate now, Leon!"
"Recip - ? Why you ain't a bona fide necromantic at all, are you Buck?"
"Now that you mention it, I guess I can't say that I am, Leon!"
"Well, that's just as well, I guess! But, Buck?"
"Yes, Leon?" I replied feeling both contrite and not a little bit sheepish in the bargain.
"Be gentle with the exercise, will you?
Not for your sake but hers!
We don't want to have her forming any blood clots or anything at this stage in the game!"
For her part, Erzula was taking this all in looking alternately serious and giggling occasionally.
"How much of all this do you think Erzula understands, Leon?" I asked, eager to change the topic of conversation.
"Very likely most or all of it, Buck! The girl is as smart as a whip!"
"What do you suppose brought about her demonstration of affection?"
"Oh! Is that what you call it?
She pro'bly wanted to offer her thanks for the outfit I see you brought her!"
"All that for some clothing?"
"Must be it made quite an impression!
Besides - how else is she gonna thank you?
At least until she picks up a few words of our language!"
"When she learns to talk, then I'll be out of luck! Right?"
"Hell, Buck! We all are!
Let's see how she looks in her new outfit, shall we?"
"Well, Buck! Seeing as how you've been formally introduced, can you tell me what kind of name is Erzla?" Leon wanted to know.
"Erzla, Urzala, do you recall the actress Ursala Andress, Leon?"
"Glory, yes! I can even see a certain resemblance!
Man alive! This calls for a cellabration!
I wonder if Erzla would take kindly to a bit of hops?"
"You mean in handy liquid form? I'll bet she will!"
Leon returned from his kitchen with three mugs, offered the first to Erzla, another to me,
and sat down quaffing thirstily from a third.
Erzla was already slurping from her mug and looked up nodding her vigorous approval.
"What keeps Erzla here these days, Leon?"
"Are you asking do I chain her in the cellar? No, I don't."
"So she quietly passes her time here with you and Marasmus and the Professor?"
"Well aside from us she has her knife to toss."
"Did you give it to her? That was quite a trusting move on your part."
"To tell the truth, she found it on her own and I didn't have the nerve to take it away from her.
I set up the target for her before she had time to select one on her own."
"So she is confined in no other way?"
"Erzla could walk out of here at any time, but she won't."
"What makes you say that?"
"Because she doesn't like the cold and neither is she overly fond of the dark."
"You're certain of this?"
"Absolutely. I couldn't possibly contend with her were it otherwise.
She stuck her head out the door one time in broad daylight ..."
"With your Aunt Min's dress I hope?"
Leon ignored my interruption and continued.
"She looked around the back yard a bit, made herself a little snowball,
smacked it into the garage door with that ninety mile per hour sidearm of hers,
then turned around and came back into the house and hasn't been out again since."
"What about when Spring arrives?"
"That Buck, my friend, is what I've been meaning to speak to you about!"
Erzla was looking my way with a concerned expression on her face and Leon caught me off guard.
"Oh, yes? What was it you were saying, Leon?"
"Atta boy! That's what I hoped you'd say!"
"What?"
"Yes!"
"Huh? Yes to what? You mean me?!"
"Certainly you! Who else?"
"But what of Erzla's, er physical condition?"
"I've been monitoring her with blood tests. She isn't at all happy about hypodermic needles ..."
"Who is?"
"But I'm here to report that she is as fit as a fiddle!"
"I though you just warned me that you were afraid of blood clots and such?"
"When she first awoke, yes. That was more than half the reason for keeping her restrained.
Nothing like that is any longer necessary, thank goodness!"
"So you were merely giving me the business?"
"I think in all the years I've know you, that was the first time I ever caught you in a truly compromising position, Buck!"
"I got better than a promise, Leon!"
"Boy! I'll say you did!"
"You know Leon, there's that community college over on what was Gramp's farm ..."
"Slow down Buck! Erzla is quick, but I don't think she's ready for higher learning just yet!"
"I was thinking more of the athletic fields up in back of the school ..."
"Hey that's right! I'll bet we have the makings of a champion track star sitting before us!"
"Just a thought ..."
"And a darned good one! Buck, do you still pump iron?"
"Nothing like I used to," I admitted ruefully.
"Who does anything like they used to? But you do then, don't you?"
"Now and then," I admitted.
"Erzla wants exercise. She wasn't brought up to be a coach potato, you know!"
"She hardly looks the part!"
"So I want you to spend some time with her working out at the gym!"
"Guess we could, about everything is coed these days ..."
"So then you'll take Erzla home, tuck her in and look after her?"
"How could I refuse?"
"Oh you could refuse me all right, you've done that before!"
"But I couldn't refuse her!"
"That my friend is what I was counting on!"
I introduced Erzla as best I could to the guys and gals down at Lloyd's Gym
and managed to pass her off as Leon's non-English speaking cousin
with no more difficulty than Leon had with Professor Potter.
People seemed to want to believe the best about Erzla it seemed and my story was accepted with neither question nor skepticism.
Erzla knew nothing of the marvels of modern weight training or exercise for its own sake,
but Leon was not kidding when he told me that she caught on quickly.
All anyone had to do was demonstrate how to use something
and in less than ten minutes she was performing at least as well as the instructor.
Erzla absorbed language and learned words and phrases at a rate that was equally as astounding.
I soon found that she enjoyed it when I read aloud to her and very soon she was following the line of text with her finger as I read.
I continued meeting Leon on a weekly basis and we were always glad to have the "Muscle Babe" with us.
Erzla had gained the knickname due to her workouts at the gym which put a good many would-be athletes to shame, especially me.
"Hello, Leon! And how are you this evening?" she asked politely one evening as she took her place at the table.
Leon was sometimes slow to rise in a lady's company, but this time he leaped to his feet and hugged her in sheer delight.
"Erzla! My baby cousin is learning to speak our language is she Buck? Isn't it wonderful?!"
"Indeed it is," I agreed, pleased in a selfish way that Erzla did not return his embrace
with the same amount of enthusiasm she exhibited to mine.
"Have you been coaching her, Buck?"
"Certainly and she soaks up new vocabulary like a sponge so we must mind what we say in front of her, don't we Erzla?"
She nodded vigorously as she sat down.
"You know something, Buck?"
"One or two things, not much else, and certainly not what's on your mind, Leon."
"It's a misconception, really ..."
"What is?"
"The idea that the Amazons were a horde of savages that were the scourge of the civilized world who knew nothing but death, delighted in carnage, bathed in blood, all that sort of thing ..."
"And instead we find that Erzla is a remarkably intelligent and capable human being.
Does that disappoint you?"
"Can't say that it does.
But I do wonder?"
"Well Leon, for one thing, we don't know that Erzla is an Amazon at all."
"That's a fact.
Why, she could have been the Queen of Eurasia for all we know!"
"Exactly! But in case you think she lived in the Land of Milk and Honey, did you take notice of the scar on her chest?"
"I'm a pathologist, Buck."
"So you noted them?"
"Yes."
"What caused it?"
"A lance or an arrow I would expect."
Once again a series of disconcerting images came immediately to mind as Leon's speculation had me imagining the situation in which Erzla could have met her end.
Taken prisoner perhaps in the aftermath of some ancient battle,
she faces her interrogation bravely and then succumbs when a shaft is loosed into her chest!
I must have worn a pained expression because I looked up to find Erzla gazing at me with a questioning expression on her face.
"Is that what killed her?"
Erzla was shaking her head slowly and Leon smiled at her as he continued.
"No Buck. Your girl is a sight tougher than that.
Her wound wasn't recent and had healed thoroughly before she arrived that day at the base of the volcano mountain."
"It proves that Erzla has led no sheltered life then, doesn't it?"
"Sure does. At the rate she's learning one day she will be telling you all about it!"
"I'm looking forward to it!"
"It'll be fascinating provided she doesn't frighten you half to death!"
We drained the dregs of our pitcher and quitted the place leaving our table to a group of the more "hard-core" denizens of the night ...
That is to say, students we knew from the community college in the neighborhood.
My first thought was that it would be a fine idea to have Erzla demonstrate her skills on the fencing team
as I was certain that she would be an expert.
The Girls Athletic Director at the college was a fine looking woman in her own right.
I could easily picture her in the role of an ancient Amazon Queen!
But the woman was reputed to be hot tempered and would often fly off the handle, as the expression goes, at the least provocation.
But then I thought better of the notion.
If Erzla actually was an Amazon warrior in another life,
putting a sword in her hand might not be an entirely safe or judicious thing to do,
for what if her natural instincts were to come into play in the course of some innocent contest?
In point of fact, neither Leon nor I actually had any real idea of what Erzla's instincts might be.
And what if the Athletic Director as the Amazon Queen came to symbolize she who had been responsible for Erzla's destruction?
Were we to place a sword in her hand, wouldn't Erzla suddenly see herself as though transported back in time
and in a position to exact her revenge?
A colossal struggle between female titans!
But with most unfortunate results were the Athletic Director to lose her temper!
The sudden powerful thrust of Erzla's deadly sword!
Through the woman's very nipple and deep into her breast!
(Ah, yes!)
Erzla screaming, "Vengeance is mine!" as she drives her blade into the bosom of her unfortunate opponent!
Literally dead on her feet, the Girl's Athletic Director falters,
although even now she appears not to be fully aware of her desperate situation.
But then at last the intrusive blade finds the woman's heart,
and her eyes roll back in her head and she slumps lifelessly to the floor!
Good heavens! Were I not careful this entire affair could get completely out of hand!
Winter gave way to spring and with the change in seasons came Spring Training!
If Leon and I thought that Erzla was a "Muscle Babe" working out in the gym, on the track field she was a phenomenon.
She could out run, out jump, out throw, and generally out do anyone on the varsity squad,
and those young women were state champions four years running, and no chumps either I might add!
Erzla in no way "lorded over" the other women and they all soon looked up to her for guidance.
Language proved no barrier whatever for Erzla thrived by demonstration.
She didn't tell anyone how to do something, she showed them.
I'll never forget the day she was introduced to a javelin practice.
Erzla hefted the weapon, gravely nodded her approval, looked about, then turned and looked at me questioningly.
Intuitively I knew that she wanted to know where was her target?
I made the palms down "time out" motion, she nodded, and I pointed at one of the other girls,
indicating that Erzla was to follow her example.
The girl took several paces back, came running up to a hash-mark cocking her arm
and flung her javelin as far as she could which proved a fair distance.
When the entire squad had taken their first cast, we all stood back for Erzla to take her turn.
She nodded and grinned at us happily, measured the distance as she strode back of the mark, turned,
and trotted up to the line cocking her arm back so far that the butt of the javelin nearly touched the ground.
I found myself distracted by the wonderful arch her body presented in this fleeting pose and then her back,
arm and shoulder muscles whipped forward as she hurled her weapon.
To this day I don't know precisely how far her cast went, it seemed to me that her javelin went clear out of sight.
An astonished hush fell over the team of competitors before a chorus of wild cheers went up
and the coach had the prescence of mind to measure the length of Erzla's cast which proved to be well in excess of 300 feet (91m).
The coach was in despair because Ezrla was not eligible to compete on her team at the college.
Then she brightened, "But what of the Olympic Trials? Erzla was a natural athlete, she'd drive her competitors for the field!"
Which was something she had done in another time and place I thought,
though fortunately I had sense enough to keep that particular theory to myself.
And so I became a Male Soccer Mom, ferrying Erzla and her track equipment about to various track and field events
so that she could compete in preparation for the Olympic tryouts.
I found myself wishing in a perverse sort of way that she would stumble just once and that someone would beat her
so that I could see how well she would handle defeat.
In that I was disappointed because no one ever succeeded. Erzla Ruled!
The old '56 Ford Crown Victoria was my pride and joy and Erzla and I thoroughly enjoyed "cruising" on our outings.
Back when l was a kid, I think about "top dollar" for one these jewels of the highway
was somewhere in the neighborhood of $100 and usually less than that.
Nowadays a nicely restored car can cost in excess of $20,000 and only when you're fortunate enough to find one.
Ford Folks called the old 292/312 eight cylinder engine a Y-Block,
and many is the time I've heard detractors quip, "Yeah ... Why did they ever build it?"
One thing about a 292 CID Ford is that it will almost always start under nearly any circumstances.
It may run like the Hammers of Hell but start it will, and to a sixteen year old kid, "If she runs, she goes!"
And that after all was all that really mattered!
I should have known better and found a hotel somewhere - but we always know better in hindsight.
And as I think back on it, the Lord only knows how I envision Erzla
as she would look stepping out of the shower in some quiet motel room somewhere!
We'd been driving for hours and were somewhere out in the middle of nowhere and there seemed nothing to do but keep going.
Erzla was sacked out in the back seat after a strenuous day of competition.
I may have made her seem superhuman but she tired like anyone else and as there were no reclining seats in an original '56 Ford,
she excused herself and had made her way to the rear.
At about 2 AM it started to rain, lightly at first, but then the skies opened and it really starting coming down.
I made up my mind to hole up somewhere on the side of the road and wait out the storm but wanted shelter
if I could find it because restored or not, the Vicky tended to leak.
I recalled that we had gone under a bridge somewhere along this stretch of highway on the trip down
and now I hoped to find it on the flip-flop for the protection it would provide.
It takes forever at least to find something along the road at night,
and in the downpour I could just about see the road in front of me.
After an eternity I could just make out the outline of the bridge in the darkness ahead of me.
I saw a pothole in the road directly ahead and instinctively I yanked the steering wheel to the right to avoid it.
The old Ford lurched to the right and the sudden motion roused Erzla from her slumber.
"Wutta matter, Uk?!" were the last words I heard.
Cars of the Fifties were never agile at best and though the Vicky struggled manfully to avoid the pothole,
the left rear wheel struck it squarely.
The steering wheel tore itself from my grasp as I tromped on the brake pedal.
The brakes had failed completely and the car careened to the right and struck the bridge abutment nearly head on.
The last thing I remember of that night was that I was lying on the ground somewhere and when I opened my eyes,
Erzla was gazing down at me looking bedraggled from the rain and with a very conerned look on her face.
I was relieved that she was up and seemed to be okay.
I tried to say something to reassure her but the night grew even darker and I recall nothing after that.
When I awoke it was light but I couldn't see clearly because my head seemed to be wrapped in something.
I was distressed to find that I couldn't move!
But I could hear clearly.
"Leon! Come!
I think your friend is coming around!"
"Thank God!
Perfesser, would you go call for the doctor?
I'll look after old Buck here!"
"Leon?" I managed feebly.
"I'm here, Buck."
"Leon, where's Erzla?
How is she?"
"Wh -- She's doing fine, Buck!
She'll be around to visit any time now!"
I didn't have the strength to argue with him so I lay there listening.
"He's hallucinating, Doctor."
"Still asking about the other passenger?"
"There was no other passenger.
Buck was alone went his car hit that bridge."
"Head injuries pose difficult problems sometimes, Leon.
A traumatized brain can conjure up all manner of images as it struggles to mend itself.
You undoubtedly know that from your own medical experience?"
"I see them only after they have deceased, Doctor.
When can we remove the restraints?"
"The X-rays will determine that hopefully in a few hours.
He's very fortunate to be alive.
How do you account for the fact that he was found so far from the scene of the crash?"
"I don't know Doc, but old Buck here was blessed with a hard head, that's sure!"
"Leon, how long was I unconscious?"
"You were nearly comatose for three days, Buck.
No one gave much for your chances to ever regain consciousness.
"But you hung in there didn't you old buddy?"
"Hey! What are friends for?
Sorry about the old Ford though, it's a total loss, I'm afraid."
"Leon, if it'll do you any good, you can talk about the car.
But you know my real concern don't you?"
"Ursala? Yes.
Well - let me tell you what happened to the car. It's easier.
I had some of the DA's lab boys go over it to determine the cause of the accident."
"That was good of them."
"Yeah, well they owe me a few.
Seems that the frame broke over the left rear wheel when you hit that pot hole.
At the speed you were travelling, the car bent to the right and aimed you straight into the bridge abutment.
A total wreck.
It's a miracle you survived."
"Thank Goodness for a hard head!"
"What no one can figure is how you had the pep to crawl so far from the crash site."
"Leon, I had help.
Erzla must have dragged or carried me ...?"
"Yes, Buck, about Ursala?"
"Yes! How is she! I must see her!"
"Buck there was no sign of Ursala.
You were alone in the car.
There was no passenger.
Did you pick up a hitch hiker or something?"
"Erzla! Leon, don't you remember your cousin from the Old Country?
You were the one who made up the story if you'll recall!"
"I did? Buck, I have no cousin, Ursala from the old country nor anywhere else!
Where did you get that idea?"
Oh My God! Erzla!
She must have been killed in the crash!
Leon was trying to hide the truth to protect me!
But I had seen her leaning over me with such a concerned expression on her face!
It couldn't be!
I struggled to get a grip and tried another angle.
"Leon? How is Marasmus?"
"Oh, now your talkin'! The old bag of bones is fine!
Still staring up out of his box with that glass eye someone fixed him up with!
What brought him to mind for gosh sake?"
"And your soap mummy? How is she?" I almost dreaded his reply.
"Oh she looks like a million, that one!"
"I cleaned her up with a bottle of witch hazel to remove five thousand years of grime and she looked pretty good.
But it wasn't until I gave her a coat of mineral oil that she really came to life!"
"Came to life?!"
"Just a figure of speech.
Nothing to get upset about.
You use them all the time."
"So she's safely packed away just as we left her?"
"Sure thing!
Tell you what!
As soon as the Sawbones lets you out of here, I'll take you home to see her!"
"Thanks, Leon!" I waved as he made his way to the door, visiting hours were over for the evening.
And then I murmured,
"But if it's all the same to you, I prefer to remember Erzla as I saw her last."
