"Good morning, Ms Victoria! Did you have the opportunity to read my script?"
"You do realize of course that these days I have little in the way of liesure time to indulge myself in the perusal of
anything in the way of unsolicited material, don't you, Mr Simpson?"
"Please! Call me Buck! But - uh - that is to say ... Is that your way of saying politely that you haven't read it, Ma'am?"
"No, I did not say that, Mr Simpson ... No ... Not at all ..."
"You did read it then!"
"Yes."
"And?"
"And what may I ask?"
"And so ... What did you think of it?"
"Well, Mr Simpson, to put it as succinctly and at the same time as politely as possible, there is but a single term that comes to my mind!"
"Yes? Yes??"
"Your script vacuums!"
"What?!"
"I believe that you heard correctly ... It sucks!"
"But ... But ..."
"A western! How impossibly passe could you or anyone hope to be!"
"But ... But ... Ms Victoria! Please! Why! Sam Peckinpaugh was famous for his westerns! And Clint Eastwood
owes his entire career to them!"
"Spaghetti Westerns! Mere Horse Operas! Why ... The very idea!"
"But, Victoria! We all grew up on them as kids! Didn't we?"
"Look, Mr Simpson! Hasn't it occured even to your own somewhat limited powers of observation that spaghetti is out and
pasta is in?"
"But ... Ms Victoria ..."
"This interview has reached its conclusion, Mr Simpson! Were it to endure any longer it would be at the risk of becoming tiresome!
So! Would you be good enough to close the door behind you as you leave?"
"Hmmm! Indeed! Did the Boss Lady really lay it on you as heavy as all that, Buck?"
"(Sigh) - Yes ... I'm afraid she did, Perfesser! That and a whole bunch more that I can't rightly remember!"
"Well it seems t'me that if she didn't like your script for whatever reason that the very least she could have done was to say so without being so all-fired mean about it!"
"That's not Victoria's style, I guess, Perfesser! She said that it vacuumed as a matter of fact!"
"Indeed? Yes ... It sounds very much like a phrase I might have turned myself! In somewhat different circumstances, of course!"
"I guess it was Ms Victoria's idea of being cute, Perfesser!"
"Well, it just goes to prove one thing, Buck!"
"What's that, Perfesser?"
"They don't call 'em bitches for nothing!"
"No ... I don't suppose that they do, now that you mention it ..."
"So what're y'gonna do, Buck?"
"Do? Right now? Oh ... I don't know ... It's back to the drawing board for now, I guess ..."
"And what about the script?"
"The script? This? Nothing that I know of ... Why?"
"May I have it?"
"Sure ... I guess so ... What're y'gonna do?"
"I want to see if I can make something out of it on my own!"
"Well then ... Sure, Perfesser! Why not? Here! You're welcome to it! And - uh - Good Luck!"
"Amazons?! You mean Indians, don't you?!"
"Well now, Miss Evie, there is always the outside chance that I could be mistaken!"
"Yeah! That's what I figgered! Around here? Naw! Why there hasn't been neither hide nor hair of any of those varmints 'round these parts
since Annie Oakley shot-up the last of 'em back in my Grandma's day!"
"So you think that you'll be okay out here all alone, Evie?"
"Shucks yes! Why - all I gotta do is hunker down here an' keep an eye on these few ponies that y'see here 'til my gals round up the rest
of the herd! Then we'll take the lot of 'em in to Dodge City where I hear tell that they'll fetch us a good price!"
"Well, okay then, Evie! We'll see y'back in town! Remember that there's a big shindig goin' on this Saturday Night?!"
"I'll not be a-forgettin' that!"
"I'll be seein' you then!"
"You can bank on that, Lightfoot!"
In these days of the New West and the even Newer Economy, the Round-up had become pretty much a remnant of the past.
There remained few herds of wild horses roaming at large on the Great Plains and those that did exist were protected as often as not
by government edicts at one level or another. Round-ups on a large scale were for the most part no longer feasible as a commercial venture.
And yet here and there was the opportunity for the owner of a small operation to glean a respectable income were they willing to work long
and hard enough to earn it.
The Perfesser had taken Uncle Buck's script in hand and was now in the process of shooting what were the key scenes in preparation of a
video adaptation which presentation he harbored the hope of selling as the pilot of a series to the powers-that-be at the HBO Television
Network.
As he stalked about the Back Lot with a portion of his dog-eared copy of the script in his hand, the Perfesser, still attired in the garb
for his own cameo role of Lightfoot, could not help but repress a small shiver when he paused to consider that he had been afforded the
opportunity to work behind a camera once again ... Yes ... But here? Of all places!
This was the old Studio that had evolved into something of a rental facility for independent producers rather than being the motivating
force behind nearly all of what was released to the motion-picture consuming public in the days of the Hollywood of old.
At the same time - and what had caused the Perfesser to shiver involuntarily - was the fact that this was the self-same studio where that
independent motion-picture director had gone bananas follwing the untimely demise of two of his leading ladies!
Zeke? Zeke ... Something or Another ... It was no one that the Perfesser had ever heard of before of course ... But who knew anything of
the independent producers unless they chanced to get lucky and hit the proverbial jackpot?
As for the man himself? Zeke had undergone considerable therapy following the complete nervous breakdown he had suffered immediately
following the deaths of two actresses who he had been directing in an ill-fated motion picture venture several years previous ...
It seemed that one of the actresses had accidently killed her partner during the filming of a murder scene when the prop knife she was
using malfunctioned and its supposedly harmless blade was thrust into the victim's belly!
And as if that were not bad enough in and of itself, the killer later met her own death when a pair of arrows came from somewhere to
plunge into her body!
The director had quite literally gone to pieces at the time and he was bundled off to the Funny Farm to while away his time as an
investigation continued into the circumstances surrounding the second killing ...
For his part, Zeke had been entirely convinced that he had killed the second woman. After he recovered to an extent he had even gone so far
as to sign a confession to that effect ... And he thought it rather strange that no one involved in the case seemed at all anxious to believe
him ...
And the reason that the authorities were inclined to make light of the director's self-proclaimed guilt and his signed confession was for
the simple reason that, while it was perfectly true that he was the only other living person in the immediate vicinity, that neither the bow,
nor either of the two arrows that were subsequently removed from the corpse had any indication whatever of his fingerprints. Zeke had not
been wearing gloves at the time and neither was there any indication that any attempt had been made to wipe the weapons for there existed many
other viable prints on both the bow and the arrows ... None of which belonged to the only available suspect in the case.
The upshot of the affair was that in one way or another, Zeke was detained in the sanitarium only for his own good and was to be released
at such time when the psychiatrists were in agreement that he was judged to be of sound mind and body.
All that was all well and good, but Zeke shook his head in wonder in light of the fact that here he was standing once again in the line
that had formed in front of the employment office.
Word had spread around that the Studio was hiring extras for roles in an independent SOV effort that was being filmed on the old Back Lot ... And so here Zeke stood ... Hardly more than a stone's throw away from the silent old building that housed its infamous Properties Department. The Perfesser was not the only one who stood repressing a shiver of anticipation ...
Evie was taking it easy as she leaned there with her back pressed lightly against the tree that lent her its support. The gals would be
arriving with the chuck-wagon before long now and after a full day outside in the sun, she had to admit that she was looking forward to that!
Even another ration of Joline's Beans would go good right about now!
If Evie heard anything at all just then it was likely that she held one or another of her small cluster of horses accountable.
It is highly unlikely that she even so much as took note of the Amazon Warrior who had at that very moment drawn her bow and was now taking
careful aim ...
One of the horses nickered a warning and Evie, suddenly on her guard, drew her gun ...
But almost before she could peer about - wondering at the source of the disturbance ...
The Amazon loosed her shaft which whispered sinisterly through the air ...
Before driving a fair measure of its length deep into the girl's navel!
Evie's body bucked under the impact and the gun flew from her hand as her hat fell from her head ...
The Amazon gazed in the stricken girl's direction thinking that she might do well to put a second shaft into her victim ...
But the Warrior was no novice to her trade and she knew for a fact that a single shaft from her bow would be sufficient to do its work ...
And so she left Evie to spend the last few minutes of her life struggling hopelessly with the arrow that protruded from her belly ...
While the Amazon went set herself to the task of appropriating the small cluster of horses ...
The Amazon warrior lost little time in seeing that the horses were put it the care of her own people and then she and a contingent of
warriors returned to the place where the horses had been taken. They came prepared to a fight for the lone Amazon had scouted the area rather
thoroughly and so they knew that the dead woman had not been alone.
Evie's own gang of girls were none too pleased when they discovered their trail boss laying dead with the Amazon arrows still bristling in
her body.
They were hale and hardy souls in their own right but there hadn't been any trouble with the local Indian Tribes during the course of
anyone's lifetime ...
And so they were taken almost completely by surprize when the Amazons mounted their ferocious attack.
Amazon arrows flew to plunge unerringly into the bellies of Evie's horse herders who circled together as best they could for what little
mutual protection that one girl could afford another.
Though caught in what was an ambush, Evie's horse herders exacted a toll and so the Amazons traded a life of their own number for almost
every herder who fell ...
And so when it was over, although by most accounts the Amazons were victorious, they had at the same time for the horses they had paid a
heavy price ...
And that price was to mount over the next few days as the Amazon warriors regrouped to return to the area in what was an apparent effort to
corral some of the herd of horses who had run off during the melee.
The Perfesser was out taking various scenic shots to be used in lieu of the traffic scenes that fill both time and space in many if not
most filmed productions.
In his company was one of the local extras who had signed on to be on-call and available as the need arose. He seemed to be personable
enough and so got along well with both the cast and crew.
For his own part, the Perfesser discovered somewhat to his surprize that he had been daubling with proper arrow placement and alignment for
so long that he found that he had all but forgotten the feeling of exhilaration that came as Zeke seized the opportunity to pump at least one
slug into the chest of the first of the Amazon warriors who came skulking about.
To judge by the way the woman's body bucked under the impact of the bullet that took her, the Perfesser found that he had no difficuty at
all in accepting the veracity of Sam's description of the Grotesque Dance of which a well-formed female was capable as she bore up under the
hail of lead which an automatic weapon could bring to bear.
It left the Perfesser almost wishing that he and Zeke had just a tad more fire-power at their disposal ... But no ... Perhaps it would
serve no real purpose for them to depart too far from Buck's script ... At least not on this first outing! Zeke? Now where had he heard that
name before?
The Perfesser discovered that he had little time to reflect upon the identity of his cohort because the Amazons shose that moment to launch
a second attack.
The significant difference being that this time out they had a pair of two well-armed men with which to contend ...
Men who were armed with those guns peculiar to the Western Movies ...
Guns that never seemed to run out of ammunition ... Regardless of the amount of lead they pumped into the bodies of the near-naked Amazons!
In the end there remained little else to do other than to round up the stragglers among the remaining Amazons ...
There was no longer any sense of urgency, but the Perfesser still found that he had some difficulty in keeping the camera steady ...
... As his partner took the opportunity to demonstrate his ability to perform a few trick shots of his own!
And of those few Amazons that somehow had managed to remain standing? Well ...
There seemed nothing else to do other than to line them up ... And then to gun them down ...
"Buck should be here to see this!" The Perfesser exclaimed for the benefit of no one in particular.
"He would be delighted to see the way the Amazons bare their bosoms and stick out their chests ..."
"And then simply stand there as Zeke's rifle roars ..."
"Almost as if to see which of them can take more lead than the other before she falls!"
"It's Fascinating! Truly Amazing!"
It had been said - actually it was a know fact for there were pictures to prove it - that none other than Victoria herself -
the woman who was now the head of Studio - still enjoyed performing in an occasional cameo role whenever the Spirit Moved her -
and she felt that she could disguise herself sufficiently so that she wouldn't be recognized.
But it was not until he was making the rounds to make his final inspection of the various bodies of friend and foe alike that the
Perfesser made what was a startling discovery.
For laying there stalking about amid the assemblage dead and dying women was none other than the fulsome form of the Boss Lady herself
in the role of the Amazon Warrior Queen ...
"Well now, Amazon Queen Victoria! What - may I ask - do you think of the sript for an adult western now?"
But the extra, Zeke, expected nothing by way of a meaningful reply and so he pumped his remaining rounds into the bosom and belly of the
Amazon Queen ... And it wasn't until his gun finally clicked on empty that Queen Victoria collapsed to the ground ...
"And, Buck!" The Perfesser exclaimed as he set his glass down on the table so that he could use his hands more expressively without fear
of spilling its contents, "Just wait til 'y'see the rushes! Why - you just aren't going to believe the way those women went down!"
"I'm purely pleased tha' choo seemed t'have such a fine time workin' with my idea for a script, Perfessor!"
"Why, Buck! I don't think that I've had so much fun in years!"
"Y'know, Perfesser? There's only one thing ..."
"And what might that be, Buck?"
"You said you had a sidekick who called himself Zeke? Zeke Who?"
"I dunno for sure, Buck! Zeke was all that I ever got out of him!"
"And you say that this fellow, Zeke did most of the shooting, Perfesser?"
"I guess so! Yes! Darned near all of it from what I can remember! Why?"
"Are you sure he was shooting blanks, Perfesser?"
"Well ... Yes ... I guess so, Buck! Aren't we all about now?"
"But you didn't check to be sure?"
"Aw, now Buck! You know how I get at the sight of too much blood!"
